Obviously, standards are rapidly deteriorating.
Atlantas Omar Infante is going to the All-Star Game next week?
All-Star Game? The one in Anaheim?
As a , not as a tourist?
Not as the Rally Monkey?
Really?
Hanley Ramirez has the distinct honor to be on both the All-Star team and the Anti-All-Star team. (AP) Its official: Weve reached the point where theyll let anybody play in the game. Whats next, everybody bats, just like youth leagues? Trophies for everyone?
And whos bringing the post-game fruit snacks?
Its getting ugly. All-Star rosters, at 34 strong, are more bloated than a Disneyland souvenir store. And this year, managers Charlie Manuel and Joe Girardi will be able to designate one player for re-entry into the game if they mismanage it and it drags into extra innings.
Earl Weaver and Ted Williams would be throwing up right about now.
Which is why, now more than ever, there is a howling need for this annual Anti- All-Star team.
These are the guys who even would be turned away at Disneyland.
The guys who would most definitely will not be allowed through the gates of Angel Stadium next week, no matter how much rosters are inflated (except for one of our players, who will double on the National League All-Star team, and youll learn his identity in a few paragraphs).
Ladies, gentlemen and Rally Monkeys, the 2010 Anti All-Star team:
Catcher: Jarrod Saltalamacchia and Taylor Teagarden, Rangers.
Aside from the fact that owner Tom Hicks has been too broke to pay his bills and the ballclub was in bankruptcy, Texas has been one of the years most pleasant stories. The Rangers have their strongest chance to play October baseball in a decade or more.
But to do so, they had to trade for Bengie Molina earlier this month because, and you dont see this every day, their opening day tandem of Saltalamacchia and Teagarden was so ineffective that the Rangers optioned of them to the minors It was the baseball equivalent of disgusted parents, unable to ascertain which brother started the fight, banishing both of them to their room.
First base: Derrek Lee, Cubs.
You know the Pink Floyd song that goes, “Hello, is there anybody in there?” Its what the Cubs and their fans have been wondering all summer about Lee. After 35 homers and 111 RBI last summer, Lee was at 10 and 36 through 82 games this summer and his OPS had melted from .972 to .703. Suddenly, at 34, Lee, whose contract expires following this season, is looking as old as Wrigley Field.
Second base: Akinori Iwamura, Pirates.
Well, last anybody Iwamura he was a Pirate. They plundered him and made him walk the plank, designating him for assignment in June and then shipping his glitzy bat and shades to Triple-A Indianapolis when he sailed through waivers unclaimed. At the time the Buccos kicked him to the curb, Iwamura was hitting .182 with a .292 on-base percentage, two homers and nine RBI in 54 games. So hes toiling away in Indianapolis, hitting .273, earning his full $4.85 million contract, just the latest example of the Pirates throwing good money after bad.
Shortstop: Hanley Ramirez, Marlins.
And a hearty congratulations to the one man versatile enough to be voted into the All-Star Game as a starter … and earn a spot on our Anti All-Star team as a slacker. Former Florida manager Fredi Gonzalez was spot-on in benching Ramirez for lazily jogging after a ball well down the right-field line, and Ramirez was dead wrong in ripping Gonzalez as a guy who isnt on the down-low because he never played in the majors. Bottom line, as I wrote at the time: Ramirez is the only guy in the majors capable of winning a batting title and the Westminster Dog Show. Woof.
Third base: Aramis Ramirez, Cubs.
Lou Piniella probably is going to lose his job as manager following this season in no small part because of the regression of Ramirez and Lee. Clearly, at 32, the days when Ramirez would hit 38 homers and drive in 119 runs (which he did in 2006) are long since in the rear-view mirror. There are rumblings about his poor work ethic. And heres the kicker: When hes finished earning $15.75 million this year, he owns a option for 2011 at $14.6 million. Gee, given that hes hitting .189 with only nine homers this year (three in Arizona, six everywhere else) … you think hell risk declining that rich player option for free agency?
Left field: Eric Byrnes, Mariners.
Well, ah, technically hes playing rec-league softball these days. And though the Mariners on some nights might qualify, Byrnes isnt playing for them: He was released back in May after hitting .094 and after an abortion of a squeeze bunt. Hey, whaddaya want for $12 million? At least the Diamondbacks were paying most of it when Byrnes rode his bicycle past Mariners GM Jack Zduriencik and reporters outside the clubhouse after the botched squeeze as if he didnt have a care in the world.
Center field: Matt Kemp, Dodgers.
A quick glance at his numbers and maybe youll wonder something along the lines of, “Huh? Those Anti All-Stars arent the clowns and reprobates I thought they were.” Point here is, when youre as supremely gifted as Kemp and you dont get the most out of your abilities, its a crying shame. Dodgers GM Ned Colletti blasted him on a radio program earlier this season for poor baserunning and shoddy defense, and if Colletti was attempting to light a fire under him … well, the match never lit. More recently, manager Joe Torre benched Kemp after the outfielder had words with bench coach Bob Schaefer when Schaefer pointed out Kemps repeated failure to back up second base when opponents attempt to steal and catcher Russell Martin throws down. Kemp needs a good talking to from mentor Torii Hunter in the very near future. Come on, man. Even Rihanna can hit the cutoff man. I think.
Right field: Justin Upton, Diamondbacks, and B.J. Upton, Rays.
Aw, look, how cute … its the first brother platoon in more than a decade of Anti All-Star teams! Youve got Arizonas Justin, who is second in the majors with 109 strikeouts, trailing only teammate Mark Reynolds 116. What do they teach their hitters in Arizona? Look at the beautiful desert sky instead of the ball while swinging? Its ridiculous and its embarrassing. Justin is hitting .259 with 14 homers and 40 RBI, but he could be so much better. So much more dangerous. Its time for the you with just seven homers and 30 RBI. He was called out by teammate Evan Longoria for failing to hustle on a ball hit into the gap and he was subsequently benched by manager Joe Maddon. Upton is a guy who hit .300 in 129 games in 2007 and .273 while helping the Rays to the World Series in 08. Until further notice, the Uptons shall be referred to as the Downtons.
Designated hitter: Milton Bradley, Mariners.
One scout who watched Bradley this spring told me he thought Bradley might be through, that his bat had and you think maybe that scout hit a bulls eye. Even Carlos Silva, shipped to the Cubs for Bradley, has rebounded to go 8-2. You can argue that Bradley isnt worth the trouble even when he is hitting … so why keep him around when hes not? He left Safeco Field in the middle of one game, went onto the restricted list, on and on it goes. Its hard to imagine the Mariners getting hosed in a deal allowing them to trade Silva away, but look at this: Not only is the proof in the numbers, but the Mariners sent $6 million to the Cubs in the swap.
Starting pitcher: Carlos Zambrano, Cubs.
Difficult to beat out the Oliver Perez, who refused a minor-league assignment earlier this year even when the Mets did everything but hire a limo to drive him the hell out of town, but Big Z has done it. He puts the in locomotion, the big engine that couldnt. At nearly $18 million this year, he still landed in the bullpen. The zip is no longer there on his fastball, but that hasnt stopped him from blaming some of his problems on teammates and nearly coming to blows with Lee in the dugout.
Closer: Diamondbacks bullpen.
How bad are these guys? Mexico has passed a law ordering any Arizona reliever deported immediately. BP wont go near them. Four out of five dentists agree the Diamondbacks bullpen will give you cavities. At 6.90, Arizonas bullpen ERA not only is the worst in baseball, its worse than the next ugliest bullpen in the majors, Milwaukees (5.36). The worst AL bullpen (Cleveland, 4.80) isnt even close. When the Diamondbacks moved Dontrelle Willis into their pen, it was impossible to tell whether he made them worse or they made him worse. Just in case, Arizona released him … when Detroit was paying his salary. If you see Chad Qualls, Juan Gutierrez, Aaron Heilman or the rest coming toward you … run. Unless youre an opposing hitter. Then, dig in.
Manager: A.J. Hinch, Diamondbacks.
Deposed GM Josh Byrnes gambled when he replaced Bob Melvin with Hinch, a man who had never managed at any level, a year ago. In the end, it backfired so badly that Hinchs work not only got himself fired, but took the GM down with him. Hinch lost the clubhouse not long after taking over and the players never warmed up to him.
Executive: Frank Coonelly, Pirates.
Is it because he presides over an organization that couldnt even fire a pierogi properly? Partly, yes. The Buccos fired a poor kid making $25 a race when he criticized the team on his Facebook page, then had to re-hire him when it didnt go through human resources properly.
Is it because he presides over a club that is zooming toward its record 18th consecutive losing season? Mostly, yes.
Is it because he secretly extended the contracts of manager John Russell and GM Neal Huntington last winter? Bingo. What does it say about an organization that extends those contracts but is too embarrassed to tell its fan base? Who keeps it a secret when you extend the contracts of your manager and GM? The Pirates, thats who. Its amateur hour all the time there.
Pitching coach: Patrick Daneker, Staten Island Yankees.
Yes, were going to the bullpen for this one. Daneker is the pitching coach for a Yankees Class A team, and he immediately became a must-have for our Anti All-Stars when he reported the theft of his $10,000 Yankees World Series ring, two cell phones (one club issued) and $120 in May after, as the put it, “a drunken romp with two apparent hookers in a Florida hotel.” You know those unwritten rules of baseball youre always reading about? Im pretty sure one of them reads: “If you lose your World Series ring in a situation that invo just suck it up. Do not call the cops and file a report that will make you look like an even bigger dope.”
National anthem singer: Ronan Tynan.
Yes, hes the “world-renowned tenor” who was so world-renowned that his schedule was mysteriously open for seemingly every postseason game the Yankees played from about 1998-2006. Well, he had an open date in his schedule on July 4, so he hired out to sing for the Boston Red Sox in Fenway Park.
Well, talk about forgetting who butters your bread. As the blog Subway Squawkers noted, Tynan sang for the Red Sox “on George Steinbrenners 80th birthday, yet! Good grief.” I had him pegged as a phony years ago. Isnt nice when events prove you right?
